On at least three occasions since I have left the marriage, well-meaning people have asked me “Are you sure you want to do this? He GAVE you such a good life”. While I know they are the brave souls to speak these words, there are many more that don’t say it to my face. They say this because they did not know the true nitty-gritty of our marriage. I find these remarks extremely insulting, and they usually come from men.
It’s not like I was a kept woman in any way, shape, or form. I worked full time both in and out of the home. Yes, he was making twice as much money as I was, but I was still expected to keep up and pay my share of the bills. On top of that, I cooked every day, cleaned, did his laundry, all kinds of administrative duties, chauffeur, and was his gym and bed partner, even when I was exhausted from everything else I had to do. When we were dating, he told me he “was a traditional guy, but with modern thinking”. I understood that to be he was conservative in values but open to new ideas. Foolish me, I didn’t realize that was code for traditional gender roles, he had one job and got to watch TV while I held down two full-time jobs. Traditional wife with a modern full-time job.
When we were going these beautiful lavish vacations, I was expected to pay for hotels, part of the meals, and part of the attractions. I was also responsible for doing all the research. There were absolutely no free rides in this relationship.
When I managed to go back to school and get my bachelor’s degree, I did it on a dare from my children, and yet he took credit telling everyone that he encouraged me to go back to school and that he was paying for it. He didn’t bother telling people that I worked my tail off and got scholarship after scholarship for my good grades and that I would have to sign these checks over to him for advancing me to tuition money.
No one gave me anything in this relationship. I was an equal partner, and sometimes I put in more than my fair share, especially when it came to the emotional relationship side of things.
I think it’s really sad that even today in a society where most homes survive on two incomes, that people should imply that a man GIVES a woman a good life.
I had a life before him.
I had my own home, my own car, my own job, my own friends.
I was my own person.
Now that I am without him, I shall repeat that pattern. I shall have my own home, my own car, and will continue paying my own bills. Because in this society women aren’t really ‘given’ anything, we have to work for it.
Life As I Know It 