Category: walking away

He Gave Me…

On at least three occasions since I have left the marriage, well-meaning people have asked me “Are you sure you want to do this? He GAVE you such a good life”. While I know they are the brave souls to speak these words, there are many more that don’t say it to my face. They say this because they did not know the true nitty-gritty of our marriage. I find these remarks extremely insulting, and they usually come from men.

It’s not like I was a kept woman in any way, shape, or form. I worked full time both in and out of the home. Yes, he was making twice as much money as I was, but I was still expected to keep up and pay my share of the bills. On top of that, I cooked every day, cleaned, did his laundry, all kinds of administrative duties, chauffeur, and was his gym and bed partner, even when I was exhausted from everything else I had to do. When we were dating, he told me he “was a traditional guy, but with modern thinking”. I understood that to be he was conservative in values but open to new ideas. Foolish me, I didn’t realize that was code for traditional gender roles, he had one job and got to watch TV while I held down two full-time jobs. Traditional wife with a modern full-time job.

When we were going these beautiful lavish vacations, I was expected to pay for hotels, part of the meals, and part of the attractions. I was also responsible for doing all the research. There were absolutely no free rides in this relationship.

When I managed to go back to school and get my bachelor’s degree, I did it on a dare from my children, and yet he took credit telling everyone that he encouraged me to go back to school and that he was paying for it. He didn’t bother telling people that I worked my tail off and got scholarship after scholarship for my good grades and that I would have to sign these checks over to him for advancing me to tuition money.

No one gave me anything in this relationship. I was an equal partner, and sometimes I put in more than my fair share, especially when it came to the emotional relationship side of things.

I think it’s really sad that even today in a society where most homes survive on two incomes, that people should imply that a man GIVES a woman a good life.

I had a life before him.

I had my own home, my own car, my own job, my own friends.

I was my own person.

Now that I am without him, I shall repeat that pattern. I shall have my own home, my own car, and will continue paying my own bills. Because in this society women aren’t really ‘given’ anything, we have to work for it.

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Vow of Silence

When a child gets mad, sometimes they poof their lips, cross their arms, and refuse to talk to you. They no longer want to be your friend. The younger the child the cuter we think they look. As adults, we try to talk to them gently and reason with them, so they can understand their feelings.

When an adult does this it’s not cute and depending on the situation it can be scary. When your partner, the person you love and care for, suddenly decides that they will not talk to you, it can put you on shaky emotional ground.

I know for me personally; I would always try to give him his space to work out whatever he was feeling. Other times, I would try to talk to him gently, reasonably, and have a dialogue to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it. There were also the many, many times where I would apologize, even for things I had not done just to appease him. Most often than not, none of these approaches would work, and things would escalate. Often, anything I tried was wrong and an excuse for him to continue in his silent rage.

My partner would simply rage in silence for hours and sometimes even days. Many times, I would feel like I was walking on eggshells. Other times, I would just grieve. I would cry in the solace of the shower or go on a walk by myself. And then I would emerge or return to the house smiling as if nothing was happening. Pretending everything was good, while he was silently raging, yet I would continue grieving inside because I knew deep down that the house of cards was crumbling each time this happened. I knew it was a matter of time before one of us had had enough and walked away.

I know there are psychological explanations out there on why someone would give their partner the silent treatment. I’m sure it has something to do with wearing you down mentally and emotionally. I’m sure it has something to do with manipulating power over you, as you walk around in a fog trying to figure out what YOU could have done wrong this time, what YOU can do to fix it, and what YOU could do to salvage a situation because after all, it’s all on YOUR shoulders to resolve. If your partner knows that you have fears of abandonment and they do this to you, they’re just pushing your buttons in one of the cruelest ways, it’s just another tactic to keep you in line.

What I do know is that I should have walked away the FIRST time I was given the silent treatment. I should have respected myself enough to say a vow of silence was not part of our wedding ceremony… Goodbye       

Written 8/14/2020

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I Was Ready

There are moments when I have read of some abusive situations or speak to someone being abused, and I just want to shake them. I just want to yell at them “just walk away”… and I don’t understand why they stay.

The truth of the matter is that you simply can’t walk away until YOU are ready and different people are ready at different times.

Personally, it took me over 10 years to be ready, so honestly, I have no right to be frustrated or yelling at anyone or wondering why.

I knew early on in my own marriage that this was a bad decision, I knew early on that this would not end well. All the red flags were there, so many I could have made a scarf or something with them. Yet, I hung in there, I kept thinking I could make it work, I kept thinking if I tried this or if I tried that it might get better, and it didn’t. I was just fooling myself because we all know you can’t do the tango by yourself… and yet we try.

It was not just that I loved him or that I care for him, that was never really the issue. There were so many other things to consider. When I would think about it… There was family involved, a network of friends, colleagues, and all the other nitty-gritty of life, such as finances and health and housing. It was always a million and one reasons to stay and continue to try to make it work. Because leaving would cause havoc not only in your own life but in those around you.

And in the end, reality just set in … and I left. I left when I did because I WAS READY, not because anyone yelled at me, or anyone shook me. I left because there was more energy being spent trying to force a life that really didn’t exist, except to outsiders looking in. I left because I literally felt like I could not breathe anymore. I left because living a lie and pretending life is good is exhausting.

I left when I WAS READY…

So be patient and forgiving with yourself if you haven’t left yet. If you’re on the outside looking in and even suspect abuse, just be there to catch them when they are ready, and remember it takes some people longer than others, so be patient.

Written: August 5, 2020

leaving